10 Backpackers to Avoid: The Field Guide

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1. The Adventure Junkie (Extremus Addicti)
Common Habitats: New Zealand and Interlaken, Switzerland or destinations with loose drug laws.
This species usually comes in one of two varieties. The more typical breed portrays cliché behavior such as popping ecstasy at Full Moon parties in Koh Pahnang, Thailand or space cakes in Amsterdam. The more dynamic breed will decline these chemical vices for their more neuro-chemical and less manufacturable cousin, adrenaline. Much crazier than your traditional druggie, they are thrill seekers at heart, always searching for their next hit. These extremists are often sighted jumping out of helicopters and bungee jumping from all corners of the globe.
In more exotic and remote locales they fulfill their needs with creative and bizarre fixes. Look for them at the tattoo parlors or snake blood stalls of Bangkok. Always striving to make the experiences more authentic than your average backpacker, they may also participate in what is known as “extreme eating.” You might even spot them at the street vendors in Bolivia or chugging tap water throughout India. Some test fate with extreme sports, while others prefer to play a game of Russian roulette with the toilet.

2. The American Sorority Girl (Shutupus Bitchus)
Common Habitats: Western Europe and beaches of Central America
This year daddy paid her way to spring break in Cancun and summer in Europe… like, OMG! She can be found throughout most of Western Europe, especially the islands of Greece where she will likely be “Going Greek” when you wish she were just going home. Diurnal behavior exhibited as guzzling fruity booze concoctions, slathering on tanning oil in skimpy bikinis, or frequenting the closest Burger King or Subway. Her cultural exploration consists of spending hours in the Internet cafes collecting new Facebook friends, and the pub-crawls in any major metropolitan destination, collecting new STDs. Mating habits often associated with the male counterpart of this breed, the Belligerent Fraternity Guy.


3. The Hypocritical Hippie (Chilli Maximi)
Common Habitats: Beaches of Brazil, Thailand
While this species is often blatantly hypocritical, they are also completely lovable for their laid back attitudes. You can easily spot this variety by their well-manicured dread locks. They may be vegan, but that doesn’t mean they won’t be found sipping on hash lassies in India or buying ivory Buddhas in Nepal. Also, compliments on their cool Che Guevara T-shirt will conveniently transition into a story all about their epic journey through South America, with nothing but a motorcycle, a bag of grass, and an open mind.

4. The Obsessive Photographer (ClickClickClickus)
Common Habitats: The Seven Wonders
Every traveler you meet will likely be toting along some form of image recording equipment. Ranging from the wind up disposable, to the fully loaded video camera. There is a particular species, however, often male, whom you can usually spot from a distance by what appears to be a large black vinyl bag on their shoulder, often containing various lenses and other unnecessary accessories. The species usually does not stand upright, and will often complain of back problems, likely a result of their 50-pound equipment pack.
When these travelers aren’t clicking away, you’ll probably find them in their hotel rooms, uploading thousands of gigs worth of photos onto their external hard drive.
Like a peacock, these males flaunt their accessories and will settle for nothing less than the Mercedes and Beamers of digital camera equipment. It is a bit suspicious: putting so much time, money, and effort into extravagant cameras and long zoom lenses. It’s hard not to wonder, what might they be compensating for?

5. The Clingy Solo Traveler (Suckian Leechi)
Common Habitats: Easy solo-travel English speaking countries
While these may be the most pathetic species, take pity on them, because they tend to be most helpless in the wild. Sometimes, this specimen is actually an independent traveler who has simply gotten a bit lonely and awkwardly attaches themselfs to other solo flyers, or groups if they’re really brave. A select few are perfectly pleasant but totally clueless backpackers who were too cheap or proud to buy a guidebook. This variety is usually found in transit stations and will follow you until they can find a hostel, or landmark. You can usually spot them by the bewildered look in their eye. They are relatively harmless, and can often be quite good company. In the case that they aren’t, they are also usually socially in-tune enough that if you give them the hint that they are no longer welcome, they will usually take it.
However, there is another breed that you should steer-clear from as they are characterized by socially awkward behavior and desperate attempts at human interaction. These variety are much more dangerous then they may seem. Beware: once you give them a taste of camaraderie, an hour of clingy behavior could result in a whole night or days worth of leeching.

6. The British Chav (Mingus Blokii)
Common Habitats: Czech Republic, La Paz, Amsterdam, and Bangkok
You can pick these blokes out pretty easily because they often travel in large packs, sometimes escaping for an overseas bachelor party, known as the stag night. In reality, they’ll just take any excuse they can to party. You will commonly find them where the flights from the UK, beer, drugs, and women are cheap. Their days are spent sleeping off hangovers or slathering on sunscreen. Nights are spent drunkenly commenting on how “dodgy” everything is. Common behavior exhibited will be non-stop gay jokes and incessantly calling each other “poofs”. However, all this talk of each other’s “willies” is just a subtle shield the fact that they’re actually just trying to sleep with every woman in sight. If your American, your cute accent will likely result in spontaneous eruptions of laughter. But don’t worry, they’re probably laughing with you, unless you’re not laughing, in which case they’re definitely just laughing at you. While most can agree Brits come in a close second-to-last on the backpacker respect-o-meter, they will use any chance they can to belittle the notoriously ignorant American tourist.

7. The Overly Thrifty Traveler (Cheapus Skatian)
Common Habitats: India, Peru, Bolivia, and Cambodia
Let’s be honest, thrifty is just a euphemism. It’s a nice way of putting it, but these travelers are just downright cheap. Some of them can be seen spotted obsessing over their Lonely Planet series, Traveling on a Shoestring. Often times they were too cheap to even buy the book. If they did, they probably got it second-hand. Surprisingly, you can find these species all over the globe, even in the most expensive parts of Europe, staying in the filthiest 40 occupant hostel dorms. You can often catch them when they suspiciously befriend you at a restaurant or bar, really just hoping to score your leftovers or a free pint. The nocturnal of the species are characterized by their non-stop cigarette bumming. The worst breed are those found throughout India arguing with poor shop keepers over a couple of rupees.


8. The Impractical Hipster (Toocoolus Forschoolus)
Common Habitats: Berlin, New York, Portland, and France
These somewhat rare species are usually British, American, or sometimes Scandinavian. These creatures are infamous for their chain-smoking PBR-guzzling manners. They will readily talk your ear off about the underground band from your own country that, “Really? You’ve never heard of?” They often congregate at off beat music festivals and dive bars the world over. They tend to stay in metropolitan biomes, sometimes found in museums sipping merlot and propelling their art aficionado status/ pretentious douchebagery. On a rare occasion you might spot them out in nature, in the Alps or jungle terrain sporting oversized sunglasses, subtly smeared eyeliner, and vintage sneakers with absolutely no tread. They may not be the most practical travelers, but they certainly are some of the most stylish.

9. The Sleazy Tour Leader (Scuzo Sapien)
Common Habitats: Anywhere Intrepid, GAP or Contiki Tours go
The first few days of any backpacker-friendly tour your guide, likely male, will demonstrate friendly, outgoing, and generally likable actions. Often times these travel lovers will become instant best-buds with the few males who opted for the tour and “guide in shinning armor” to all the girls who chose tour life for the feeling of security. Sometimes girls may develop bizarre infatuations, but tour leaders speak often of the “girlfriend back home” and “no fraternizing with customers” company policy. But don’t be fooled by their camouflage. Charming maybe at first, but it soon becomes clear what the real intentions are. This species has evolved these traits in the inevitable quest to get laid. You have to hand it to them; they definitely picked the right job. There’s nothing like a culturally knowledgeable, often accented, uber-masculine tour guide to get a solo 20 something girl, shall I say…wet. In addition to bed-hopping behavior, this specimen commonly portrays acts of binge drinking and chain smoking. These characteristics are likely a result of spending hours waiting outside of museums and monuments and hanging out with heavy drinking Irish and Australian tourists who came on holiday to “have a good time”.

10. The Know-it-all Backpacker (Condescendos)
Common Habitats: Remote Africa or trekking hot spots in Patagonia and Nepal

Obviously these guys and gals will be easy to pick out by nothing other than a giant backpack, or rucksack. There are more specific signs that you’ve found yourself a full-fledged know-it-all. Often the backpack will be adorned with dozens of patches- flags from all the countries they have checked off their list. This is their calling card. Don’t be too afraid to approach this specimen though, as they are actually quite friendly. They’ve grown accustomed to making fast and temporary friends. They’d be more than happy to undo their velcro straps, kick off their Teva sandals, have a sip off their Nalgene, and share stories of their global adventures. While you will usually spot them mingling with fellow travelers, it seems they’re always talking about how often they socialize with “the locals”.
For those who’ve gone digital, you can spot them in Internet café’s, constantly updating the “Where I’ve Been” map on Facebook. A great time to catch one of these travelers is when they’re at the end of a country, because they’ll be more than happy to pass along their infinite wisdom, and of course, their guide book.